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Retirement Humor to Help You

 Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

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Retirement Humor

Question: What is a retirement party?
Answer: It is a nice way for the company to tell you to get lost!

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
— Will Rogers

The purpose of this webpage is to have you find something humorous about retirement that brightens your day. Humor normally leads to laughter.

Here is some additional retirement humor to go along with the retirement cake sayings and party ideas, various retirement quotes and retirement sayings, and funny retirement poems:

Pay heed to the following comment by Harvey Mackay about laughter.

Laugh often. Starting your day with a good laugh, or at least a big smile, is as beneficial to your health as it is to your mood. Scientific studies at Northwestern University and Fordham University concluded that laughter benefits the heart, lungs, stomach and other organs. It relaxes tensions, changes attitude, and increases the body's natural painkillers. And it has no harmful side effects.
— Harvey Mackay

Yeah for laughter and everything that is funny about retirement. You want to be happy while you are alive because you are a long time dead.

Laugh Your Way to Happiness

My life has been one great big joke,
A dance that's walked
A song that's spoke,
I laugh so hard I almost choke
When I think about myself.
— Maya Angelo,

In 1990, British creativity guru Edward De Bono told a Daily Mail reporter, "Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain." Of course, the beneficial effects of laughter are not limited to the brain.

Professional humorists say that not only is laughter an exercise for our insides, it actually lowers our blood pressure. Moreover, it helps to relieve pain. You will find that you are most content when you are working on a creative project or helping the less fortunate of this world. 

The Joy of Being Retired

365 Reasons Why Retirement Rocks —and Work Sucks!

by Ernie J. Zelinski

Retirement - The Joy of Being Retired

 Purchase The Joy of Being Retired at:

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More Ways to Laugh Your Life Away

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
— Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1850-1919, American writer

"Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is
far the best ending for one."
— Oscar Wilde

Many travelers are awe struck by the ability of people in Africa and other depressed nations to laugh and have fun in the midst of severe poverty and political upheaval. Laughing in the face of misery doesn't make it go away, but it puts you in a much better frame of mind to think of ways to overcome the misery.

Perhaps you don't think you have anything to laugh at. Then you should pay heed to the words of French dramatist Pierre de Beaumarchais: "Ihasten to laugh at everything for fear of being obliged to weep at it."

Put more effort into it and you will have plenty of funny things to laugh at. Here are a few ways to increase the amount of laughter you get to experience in your life.

  • Don't take your small problems so seriously; poke fun at them instead.
  • Read more funnies.
  • Read George Carlin's Brain Droppings.
  • Hang around with people who laugh a lot — laughter is catchy.
  • Have someone tickle you if that's what it takes.
  • Tell more jokes to people, especially the raunchy ones, and they will tell you some new ones in return.

Watch people more and you will be able to laugh more inside. In case you haven't noticed, human beings do amusing things all the time. Above all, remember the words of French writer Sébastien-Roch Nicolas de Chamfort:, "Of all days, the day on which one has not laughed is the one most surely wasted." 

Still in Love After So

Many Years or NOT!

An elderly retired couple were invited to another retired couple's home for dinner one evening. The female host was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The visiting retirees had been married almost 70 years and, apparently, they were still very much in love.

While the husbands were in the living room, the female host retiree leaned over to her friend to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.

The elderly retired lady hung her head. "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "most of the time I can't stand the bastard. Whatever his name is slipped my mind about 15 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bloke what his name is."

The Author Wins and So

Does the Retired Engineer!

NASA was interviewing retired professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, a retired engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a retired doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a semi-retired international best-selling author, who wrote the international bestsellers How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free and The Joy of Not Working.

Retire Happy Book

When asked how much money he wanted, the author whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the other two applicants?" the interviewer asked.

The international best-selling author replied, "If NASA gives me $3 million, I will give you $1 million, I will keep $1 million for myself, and we will send the engineer."


Verile But Not Sterile! — How a Older

Gentleman  Can Have a Great Weekend

An older, retired white haired gentleman walked into a jewelry store on a Friday evening with a beautiful much younger woman at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special diamond ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his regular display and brought out a diamond ring valued at $7,000.

The older retired gentleman stated, "No, I would like to see a ring more special. My friend here deserves much better."

The Jeweler was glad to hear this, of course.

The Jeweler then went to his special stock in a backroom display and brought another diamond ring over to the older gentleman.

"How about this?" the Jeweler asked. "Here is a stunning diamond, but it does cost $95,000." At this point, the young woman's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.     

The older gentleman, pleased with the woman's response, promptly declared to the Jeweler, "Just the type of diamond that we wanted. We will take this beautiful ring."

The Jeweler asked how payment for the diamond ring would be made.

The older gentleman stated, "I can't pay by Visa which I could for the cheaper ring. Because my Visa card has a limit of only $50,000, I will write you a check. I realize that you want to ensure that my check is good.

So how about if I write it now and leave it with you. On Monday, you can call my Wells Fargo bank branch to verify that the funds are there. Later on Monday my friend and I will pick up this beautiful ring.

On Monday morning, the older gentleman received a phone call from the Jeweler who angrily announced, "The Wells Fargo branch told me that there is only $25 in that bank account."

"I  know," smiled the older retired gentleman.

"What's the matter with you?" asked the Jeweler. "Are you senile?"

"Not really," replied the older gentleman. "Just virile. Let me tell you about the great weekend that I had with that lady!"

Funny Retirement Quotes

When you see some people work you wonder what they’ll do in retirement.
— Author Unknown

Better a bald head than none at all.
— Unknown wise person

I really stay busy [in retirement]. I often have to cancel my golf games on the weekends to go play in tennis tournaments.
— Richard Davies

Retirement: No clock, no deadlines, no stress, no money!
— Author Unknown

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . . retire!
— Groucho Marx

Retirement: When you quit working just before your heart does.
Unknown wise person

If laughter was the best medicine, you can bet there'd be a line of high-priced-prescription jokes [sold by the pharmaceutical industry]. Don't anyone kid you!
— Earl in Mr Boffo Cartoon

I retired early for health reasons — my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.
— Unknown wise person

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.
— R.C. Sherriff

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
— Ella Harris

By the time I have money to burn, my fire will have burnt out.
— Author Unknown

My [fun] retirement investments are diversified. Blue lottery tickets, yellow lottery tickets, green lottery tickets, red lottery tickets ...
— from Glasbergen cartoon

The worst thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.
— Author Unknown

I used to be a lawyer. Now that I am finally retired from the profession, I have some class.
— Author Unknown


People have often asked me, "What do you do now that you are retired?" My answer is "I am fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine."
— Author Unknown

Most people perform essentially meaningless work. When they retire that truth is borne upon them.
— Brendan Francis

One of the problems of retirement is that it gives you more time to read about the problems of retirement.
— Cartoon caption in the international bestseller How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

Retire Happy Book

The Republican Party is a friend of Social Security the way Colonel Sanders was a friend of chickens.
— Charles T. Manatt

Ahhh Retirement: Fishing Yesterday, Fishing Today, Fishing Tomorrow!

— Unknown Author

Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.
— Unknown Author

In retirement, I look for days off from my days off.
— Mason Cooley

When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to tell the difference.
— Author Unknown

He who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement.
— Author Unknown

Retirement Humor  

Retirement Jokes and

Other Retirement Humor

It's All in How You Play the Game, Isn't It?

Let's see now. How will I know when I am a senior.
Some places give me a senior's discount at 55, some at 60 and some
at 65.
My government pension will be sent to me when I am 65.
My company will arbitrarily retire me at 65. (I'm going to beat them
to the punch and retire at 60.)
So that means that parts of our society think 'senior' begins at 55.
How will I personally know?
Well, with a little bit of luck, I don't think I'll ever know.
It's all in how you play the game, isn't it?
— Author Unknown

The Retiree's Creed

Early to Bed
Sleep in late
Collect your pension
Ain't life great!
— Author Unknown


Retirement Humor T-Shirt  

Retirement Jokes and Other Retirement

Humor Seen on Funny Retirement T-Shirts

  • Retired: Just have to do what the voices in my wife's head tell me.
  • Retired — No Alarm Clock. No Commute. No Problem.
  • I'm retired. Go around me!
  • Retired! So go tell your little problem to someone who cares!
  • You know the Social Security they keep deducting off your paycheck. Well, it's going to pay for my being retired which I am truly enjoying. Thanks.
  • I'm retired and this is my office (picture of a golf course, boat, etc.)
  • Retired — But working part-time to spoil my dog.
  • Retired. I am not interested in anyone with work problems.
  • I'm Retired — You're Not! Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah....
  • Retired: Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
  • Retired — But working part-time to spoil my grandkids.
  • RETIRED: Who says a woman's work is never done?
  • I am retired. But not expired!
  • Retirement Relieves Job Stress.
  • Retired — and Spending My Kids' Inheritance.
  • WARNING: Retiree Knows It All and Has Plenty of Time to Tell You Everything!
  • Retired — And Living Happily Ever After!
  • Retired: Leave the Relaxing to Me!
  • Someone told me to "Get a Life!" so I retired!
  • Retired: My Specialty Is Doing Nothing.


Importance of Putting Laughter and Humor in Your Retirement Living

Retirement Humor and Retirement Jokes Imaage #2

Here are some non-retirement quotes about humor to emphasize the importance of jokes, humor, and laughter in your retirement life:

Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
— Lyn Karol

Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself, for he shall never cease to be entertained.
— John Powell

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
— David Ogilvy

We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
— Will Rogers

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.
— Thomas Szasz

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
— Erma Bombeck

If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.
— Charles Schulz

Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less
friendly understanding.
— Agnes Repplier

Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?
— Frank Moore Colby

Not Laughing Much In Retirement?

Think Retirement Is a Drag? 

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A gold watch is the most appropriate gift for retirement, as its recipients have given up so many of their golden hours in a lifetime of service.
— Harry Mahtar

The requirements for successful retirements
are, of course, simple to map out: Begin saving earlier in life, set aside larger
percentages of your pay, invest wisely in low-cost funds, avoid debt, pay off
your mortgage, defer Social Security to boost payouts, and work past traditional
retirement age to make sure you don't run out of money. Stay healthy, too, so your medical expenses don't eat you alive.
We might as well complete this fairy tale by advising you to make sure you find a job with a traditional pension, and
to only work for employers with AAA credit
ratings and great health insurance.
— from US NEWS

Sometimes it's important to work for that
pot of gold. But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply
consists of choosing which color to slide
down on the rainbow.
— Douglas Pagels  

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Everyone needs a reason to put their shoes on in the morning [when they retire]. If you put on the slippers, you'll end up
dragging your feet all day.
— Norma Fagan


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Whatever the challenge of a new age, in the end what really counts is not the years in our lives but the life in our years. It is not about longevity, but the depth of life. Long ago I learned that age does not wither the mind if people remain positive. No one is too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. It is a mind game. As Churchill suggested, "The empires of the future are the empires of the mind."
— Singapore Retiree Jennie Chau



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