Retirement Humor to Help
You
Retirement
Humor
Question: What is a retirement party?
Answer: It is a nice way for the company to tell you to get lost!
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.
— Will Rogers
The purpose of this webpage is to have you find something humorous about
retirement that brightens your day. Humor normally leads to laughter.
Here is some additional retirement humor to go along with the retirement cake sayings
and party ideas, various retirement quotes and
retirement sayings, and funny retirement poems:
Pay heed to the following comment by Harvey Mackay about
laughter.
Laugh often. Starting your day with a good laugh, or at
least a big smile, is as beneficial to your health as it is to your mood. Scientific studies at
Northwestern University and Fordham University concluded that laughter benefits the heart, lungs,
stomach and other organs. It relaxes tensions, changes attitude, and increases the body's natural
painkillers. And it has no harmful side effects.
— Harvey Mackay
Yeah for laughter and everything that is funny about retirement. You want to be
happy while you are alive because you are a long time dead.
Laugh Your Way to Happiness
My life has been one great big joke,
A dance that's walked
A song that's spoke,
I laugh so hard I almost choke
When I think about myself.
— Maya Angelo,
In 1990, British creativity guru Edward De Bono told a Daily Mail reporter, "Humor is by far the
most significant activity of the human brain." Of course, the beneficial effects of laughter are not limited to the
brain.
Professional humorists say that not only is laughter an exercise for our insides, it
actually lowers our blood pressure. Moreover, it helps to relieve pain. You will find that you are most content
when you are working on a creative project or helping the less fortunate of this world.
The Joy of Being Retired
365 Reasons Why Retirement Rocks —and Work Sucks!
by Ernie J. Zelinski
Purchase
The Joy of Being
Retired at:
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More Ways to Laugh Your Life Away
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
— Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1850-1919, American writer
"Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is
far the best ending for one."
— Oscar Wilde
Many travelers are awe struck by the ability of people in Africa and other depressed nations to
laugh and have fun in the midst of severe poverty and political upheaval. Laughing in the face of misery doesn't
make it go away, but it puts you in a much better frame of mind to think of ways to overcome the misery.
Perhaps you don't think you have anything to laugh at. Then you should pay heed to the words of
French dramatist Pierre de Beaumarchais: "Ihasten to laugh at everything for fear of being obliged to weep at
it."
Put more effort into it and you will have plenty of funny things to laugh at. Here are a few
ways to increase the amount of laughter you get to experience in your life.
-
Don't take your small problems so seriously; poke fun at them instead.
-
Read more funnies.
-
Read George Carlin's Brain Droppings.
-
Hang around with people who laugh a lot — laughter is catchy.
-
Have someone tickle you if that's what it takes.
-
Tell more jokes to people, especially the raunchy ones, and they will tell you some new ones in
return.
Watch people more and you will be able to laugh more inside. In case you haven't noticed, human
beings do amusing things all the time. Above all, remember the words of French writer Sébastien-Roch Nicolas de
Chamfort:, "Of all days, the day on which one has not laughed is the one most surely wasted."
Still in Love After So
Many Years or NOT!
An elderly retired couple were invited to another retired couple's
home for dinner one evening. The female host was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded
every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The
visiting retirees had been married almost 70 years and, apparently, they were still very much in
love.
While the husbands were in the living room, the female host
retiree leaned over to her friend to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you
still call your husband all those loving pet names'.
The elderly retired lady hung her head. "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "most
of the time I can't stand the bastard. Whatever his name is slipped my mind about 15 years
ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bloke what his name
is."
The Author Wins and So
Does the Retired Engineer!
NASA was interviewing retired professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and
he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, a retired engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for
going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a retired doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two
million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for
the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a semi-retired international best-selling author, who wrote the
international bestsellers
How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free and
The Joy
of Not Working.
When asked how much money he wanted, the author whispered in the interviewer's ear,
"Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the other two applicants?" the interviewer asked.
The international best-selling author replied, "If NASA gives me $3 million, I will give
you $1 million, I will keep $1 million for myself, and we will send the engineer."
Verile But Not Sterile! — How a
Older
Gentleman Can Have a Great
Weekend
An older, retired white haired gentleman walked into a jewelry store on a Friday evening
with a beautiful much younger woman at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special diamond ring for his
girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his regular display and brought out a diamond ring
valued at $7,000.
The older retired gentleman stated, "No, I would like to see a ring more special. My friend
here deserves much better."
The Jeweler was glad to hear this, of course.
The Jeweler then went to his special stock in a backroom display and brought another
diamond ring over to the older gentleman.
"How about this?" the Jeweler asked. "Here is a stunning diamond, but it does cost
$95,000." At this point, the young woman's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The older gentleman, pleased with the woman's response, promptly declared to the
Jeweler, "Just the type of diamond that we wanted. We will take this beautiful ring."
The Jeweler asked how payment for the diamond ring would be made.
The older gentleman stated, "I can't pay by Visa which I could for the cheaper
ring. Because my Visa card has a limit of only $50,000, I will write you a check. I realize that
you want to ensure that my check is good.
So how about if I write it now and leave it with you. On Monday, you can call my Wells
Fargo bank branch to verify that the funds are there. Later on Monday my friend and I will
pick up this beautiful ring.
On Monday morning, the older gentleman received a phone call from the Jeweler who angrily
announced, "The Wells Fargo branch told me that there is only $25 in that bank account."
"I know," smiled the older retired gentleman.
"What's the matter with you?" asked the Jeweler. "Are you senile?"
"Not really," replied the older gentleman. "Just virile. Let me tell you about the
great weekend that I had with that lady!"
Funny
Retirement Quotes
When you see some people work you wonder what they’ll do in retirement.
— Author Unknown
Better a bald head than none at all.
— Unknown wise person
I really stay busy [in retirement]. I often have to cancel my golf games on the weekends to go play
in tennis tournaments.
— Richard Davies
Retirement: No clock, no deadlines, no stress, no money!
— Author Unknown
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . . retire!
— Groucho Marx
Retirement: When you quit working just before your heart
does.
— Unknown wise person
If
laughter was the best medicine, you can bet there'd be a line of high-priced-prescription jokes
[sold by the pharmaceutical industry]. Don't anyone kid you!
— Earl in Mr Boffo Cartoon
I retired
early for health reasons — my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.
— Unknown wise person
When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally
present him with a watch.
— R.C. Sherriff
A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
— Ella Harris
By the time I have money to burn, my fire will have burnt out.
— Author Unknown
My [fun] retirement investments are
diversified. Blue lottery tickets, yellow lottery tickets, green lottery tickets, red lottery tickets
...
— from Glasbergen cartoon
The worst thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.
— Author Unknown
I used to be a lawyer. Now that I am finally retired from the
profession, I have some class.
— Author Unknown
People have often asked me, "What do you do now that you
are retired?" My answer is "I am fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the
things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine."
— Author Unknown
Most people perform essentially meaningless work. When they retire that truth is borne upon
them.
— Brendan Francis
One of the problems of retirement is that it gives you more time to read
about the problems of retirement.
— Cartoon caption in the international bestseller How to Retire Happy, Wild, and
Free
The Republican Party is a friend of Social Security the way Colonel Sanders was a friend of
chickens.
— Charles T. Manatt
Ahhh Retirement: Fishing Yesterday, Fishing Today, Fishing Tomorrow!
— Unknown Author
Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the
house.
— Unknown Author
In retirement, I look for days off from my days off.
— Mason Cooley
When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to tell the difference.
— Author Unknown
He who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement.
— Author Unknown
Retirement
Jokes and
Other
Retirement Humor
It's All in How You Play the Game, Isn't
It?
Let's see now. How will I know when I am a senior.
Hmmmmmmm.....
Some places give me a senior's discount at 55, some at 60 and some
at 65.
My government pension will be sent to me when I am 65.
My company will arbitrarily retire me at 65. (I'm going to beat them
to the punch and retire at 60.)
So that means that parts of our society think 'senior' begins at 55.
How will I personally know?
Well, with a little bit of luck, I don't think I'll ever know.
It's all in how you play the game, isn't it?
— Author Unknown
The Retiree's
Creed
Early to Bed
Sleep in late
Collect your pension
Ain't life great!
— Author Unknown
Retirement
Jokes and Other
Retirement
Humor Seen
on Funny Retirement T-Shirts
- Retired: Just have to do what the voices in my wife's head tell me.
- Retired — No Alarm Clock. No Commute. No Problem.
- I'm retired. Go around me!
- Retired! So go tell your little problem to someone who cares!
- You know the Social Security they keep deducting off your paycheck. Well, it's going to pay for my
being retired which I am truly enjoying. Thanks.
- I'm retired and this is my office (picture of a golf course, boat, etc.)
- Retired — But working part-time to spoil my dog.
- Retired. I am not interested in anyone with work problems.
- I'm Retired — You're Not! Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah....
- Retired: Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
- RETIRED AND DOWN TO ONE BOSS — MY WIFE!
- Retired — But working part-time to spoil my grandkids.
- RETIRED: Who says a woman's work is never done?
- I am retired. But not expired!
- Retirement Relieves Job Stress.
- Retired — and Spending My Kids' Inheritance.
- WARNING: Retiree Knows It All and Has Plenty of Time to Tell You Everything!
- Retired — And Living Happily Ever After!
- Retired: Leave the Relaxing to Me!
- Someone told me to "Get a Life!" so I retired!
- Retired: My Specialty Is Doing Nothing.
Importance
of Putting Laughter and Humor in Your Retirement Living
Here are some non-retirement quotes about humor to emphasize the importance of jokes, humor, and
laughter in your retirement life:
Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
— Lyn Karol
Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself, for he shall never cease to be
entertained.
— John Powell
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
— David Ogilvy
We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
— Will Rogers
When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.
— Thomas Szasz
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
— Erma Bombeck
If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the
ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.
— Charles Schulz
Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less
friendly understanding.
— Agnes Repplier
Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will
own up to a lack of humor?
— Frank Moore Colby
Not Laughing
Much In Retirement?
Think
Retirement Is a Drag?
Purchase the
World's Best Retirement Book with the Latest Retirement Humor along with
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